Not Okay
by mbeckett41319
Summary: post ep of 6x17 "In The Belly Of The Beast": Castle tells Beckett what he feels about the whole situation. one-shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Castle

"Come to bed." Looking back to the screen of her computer and back again to the outstretched arm in front of her, she takes it and lets him lead her to their bedroom. He pulls down the covers as she climbs onto her side of the bed. He follows and lies down beside her. "Are you ok? She looks at him as he gives her a nod. "I'm sorry" she says. "I should have told you about it. I thought it would be quick and I would be back home for dinner in no time."

She just lays there and wonders about all the things they would not be able to do if Elena hadn't saved her. She would not be able to marry the love of her life. She won't have children with him. She won't be able to tell him that he was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. She won't be able to tell him that she loves him so much. There future and all their plans would be gone in a flash, all because of a stupid undercover mission that went sideways.

"Let's go to sleep, Kate" his voice interrupts her thoughts and she decides it's best to get some rest. He puts his arm around her as she lies on his chest. He silently thanks the gods for bringing her back to him. He traces lines down her arm and whispers words of love in her ear as she falls asleep.

He can't sleep though, he tries but he feels as if someone will take her from him when they're both asleep. So instead he lays there with her in his arms, watching over her.

She starts shivering and cuddles closer to him seeking for warmth but all she feels is cool air. Opening her eyes, she looks at the clock, 4:16am. Wondering where he could be at his hour, she stands up and goes looking for him. She checks the bathroom but he's not there. Then she sees the light coming from the door leading to his office and she goes to open it. She sees him in front of his desk typing on his laptop. Inspiration must have struck him, she thought. But then she sees his swollen red eyes and tears streaming down his face.

"Rick." He doesn't move. "Rick." She tries again but still no response. Walking up to him and turning his chair so she could face him, she sees the sadness and anger in his face. She hasn't seen that certain of emotions since Alexis got kidnapped. "Rick. Babe, look at me." She says but his head remained bowed. Trying a different tactic, she places both of her hands by his neck and slowly raises his head up. "Hey, what's wrong?" She says as she wipes the tears from his face. It didn't really help because more tears kept flowing. He took a deep breath and looks her in the eyes. "I can't sleep, Kate." Hearing this, she removes her hands from his neck and takes his, squeezing it to urge him to continue.

"I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I swear I could feel someone taking you away from me. I can't close my eyes without thinking that the next time I open them, you'd be gone." "I'm here, Rick." She interrupts, squeezing his hand. "I know you'd be here but I just can't help but think. I know that's just the writer in me but I almost lost you today. And I didn't even know about you being undercover!" he could feel the anger and rage inside of him wanting to get out.

He stands up and begins pacing in front of his desk with her still kneeling in front of his chair. She then stands up and leans against the wall feeling sorry for putting him in that position. It was her fault that he didn't know about it. She was being selfish and she didn't think of the consequences that would come if something horrible happened to her.

"I wasn't there to protect you because I didn't know about it. And now you're hurt and bruised because I didn't have your back. God Kate, when I arrived at the precinct, nobody would tell me what was going on. All they were giving me was this sorry look on their faces. And by the time they told me, you were lost and nobody knew where you were. I almost trashed the whole room, I almost lost my temper and I was this close to knocking out that Fowler guy" he said, using his fingers to show her. He stopped pacing and looked at her. "I don't ever want to feel like that again. I don't ever want to worry about where you might be, if you're safe or not. I don't want to think that the last time I saw you would be the final one. I hate that feeling, Kate." He wiped a few tears from his face and continued. "And we're getting married for crying out loud. We just got together. Two years isn't enough, Kate. Even a thousand years won't be enough. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you, you are everything to me, Kate. You share my heart with the two other women I love most. If I ever lost you, I don't know what I would do. If I lost you, then my dream of growing old with the love of my life and having a family will be gone. That's all I've ever wanted, to be with you, Alexis, mother, the boys, Lanie, and your dad as a family. My life right now is perfect, Kate. It's all I've ever wanted it to be. And to have someone take you away from me is just unacceptable. The thought of it makes my heart ache. I can't imagine my life without you. Sometimes, I try to think about it but it always ends up with you showing up and walking into my life." The tears stopped and all she could see on his face is pure love and compassion.

"I love you, Kate." He says slowly. "I love you so much that I would do anything for you, anything and everything. If I needed to give up my life in order to save yours, then I would do it. If I needed to get something from the moon for you, then I would do it. If you asked me to dance around the mall naked, then I would. If making you happy means that I have to walk out of your life, then I would do it because I love you. I love you so much to the point where every time I see you, my heart starts thumping and I get so excited because I get to have the smartest, most beautiful, fierce, strong, and determined woman in the world. And that just makes me so happy. You make me happy."

He walks toward her and whispers, "And that is why I can't sleep, Kate. Because I keep thinking that there are dangerous people out there who are trying to hurt you. And I'm afraid that they will eventually get to you and take all of those things away from me. If they do, then I'm a broken man." His voice was cracking during the entire time and she could hear the hurt and fear in his voice. She was amazed by his words, she knew he loved her so much but this was the only time that he explained how much he does. Tears started forming in her eyes and all she can do is kiss him because she can't think of any words to say that will assure him the she isn't leaving.

After a few minutes of silence, she finally says, "I'm not going anywhere. You are stuck with me for a long long time. Don't worry, we will live that perfect life of yours and I will be right here by your side. Always." She takes his hand any pulls him back to their bedroom. They go to sleep and they will face whatever life throws at them, just like they always do.


End file.
